Peter Pan's Credit Card Debt

Just tracing my own shape around the lines of this old story.

The money angst is a kind of loneliness. The feeling that how broke I actually am is a secret, because my broke-ness doesn't really look like what brokenness looks like in the movies. It’s getting pretty dire here, I really do really need help, from myself, I need myself to be vigilant, and really hard working now.

Over the last two years as I accumulated the debt, I wasn't stressed at all. I explained my relationship to the debt in these terms: I trust my future self to pay off the debt. FutureSelf has everything she needs to pay it off. She's making lots of money.

Now FutureSelf is here and she is beginning to see how some more money could be made, and she is beginning to make the money, but annoyingly, we are now integrating, me and FutureMe. With the power to pay it off has come the stress of it's existence. I try to pawn the stress back onto her, but we are one now. This financial integration has been a surprising catalyst in making me integrate in general.

Until now, FutureSelf has been a companion, close by and always in possession of everything I have ever wanted. “There it all is, I can see that she has it there. I want it, but see? She has it!”

But now we integrate, because it is she who must pay off the debt and the debt must be paid off now. Together now, me and FutureMe only have what I have. We together sit up in our boat, and wonder about building some steering mechanism into our vessel that until now has just gone wherever the river is going.

We have always had complete faith in this river. We know the river will always take us where I want to go...

…Where I want to go? Has FutureMe actually just done-a-merge in desperation as her identity was loosing shape? “I do believe in future! I do! I do!” She goes in and out of focus as I clap.

Where is she now, FutureMe? What does she have? Where do I want to go? The coordinates are a ticker tape, constantly updating, and the captain is a loyal guy, each tick of the tape is fine, off we go! And round we go! And back we go! Where we go nobody knows! tic tock tic tock.

The Doldrums, a familiar image for we river-faithful. When met with obstruction, our river just spins us into the eddies.

Mucky thicket. Fallen branches. Moss on everything. …Moss is nice.

We become moss. look at these content frogs, just eye balls, blinking. Overhead the long slow shadow of swamp bird. Listen to the crickets chirping to the dusk.

But we are being eaten alive by mosquitos! Shallow water! Rocks scraping at the boat-boards! Push off now! Paddle now with… four hands?Who’s hands are these? Oh cute, it’s PastMe. She wants so much- paddle paddle paddle- she wants everything I’ve got!

We hold our fingers close together like the webbed feet of a duck. We back-paddle with our our stiff duck hands, away from this dam of tangled, fallen tree, into the speed of the spillway!

Catch us back into the flow now. Seeking wind now. Seeking rapids! Seeking cash!

*The images attached to this post are test shots I did with a friend for an underwater shoot that I would like to do with a model. If you would like to be photographed underwater while it’s still warm out, get in touch.